Tammy says you got Christmas geese.
Yep.
We're leaving, thank fuck.
Well, give us one then.
Right now?
Yeah.
That one's spare. Help yourself.
You having a laugh?
What? It's fucking alive.
I suppose you'd better kill it then.
How?
Gently put its head down there.
Quick in the back of skull with this. Pluck it while it's warm.
Little pot to catch all the blood.
You enjoy that?
No.
But in my low-wage economy, this flock's worth a lot.
You are one sick fuck, Andy.
Grow up. What, mate?
I said, grow up.
Little drummer boy.
Tam phoned this morning.
Told me to finish the house.
Goes on the market in the spring, and that's it. Over.
Why does the asshole always get the girl?
Come on, or you'II miss that train.
Andy.
So, what about this shed? Am I dismantling it or mending it?
Hang on.
I don't know. The shed.
What do you think?
I recommend preserving it.
Really?
Always useful, a good shed.
Well, then keep it.
Oh...
Classy job, Uncle Andy.
It's like, transformed.
Ben won't like this.
Bit boring.
Bit old folks.
I like those curtains. And I like that.
No, don't like those lamps, or that paper.
L'd have gold leaf embossed all round there,
and a wall of flamingo.
Ben would like that. That's a lovely chair.
What's under here?
L'd have a bead curtain.
And the bathroom needs to be darker, like deep chocolate or velvet plum.
And l'd bathe in scented oils.
And then l'd be ready for Ben.
It won't just be a shag, Case. It'II be an event.
L'II be wearing, like, a gossamer shirt and a bra set, Prada.
And he'II be wearing a black T-shirt.
And it'II be all taut over his buff bod.
And underneath, Calvin Klein boxers, black.
And he'II have a tattoo of my name, and lush pecs.
And l'II smell of Allure by Chanel.
And he tries to resist me but l'm a vision.
'Ahh.'
But also respectful.
And my V plates will melt into nothing.
Are you listening?
I like this. What?
There's this bit where Tamara's dad takes her out for dinner,
and she thinks it's some big treat, but what he's doing, right,
is telling her that he's leaving them, and she... Right, she's gutted.
She yaks up her food into her napkin and puts it on his plate.
So? It's painful.
But funny. It's about her, Plastic Fantastic.
Jode, she's sad. Sad? She's a lucky cow.
I've been re-reading Inchcombe Etherised,
one of Nicholas's early books.
There's a character, Theo, who's an adulterer.
And Theo has a list of golden rules called Lulling the Spouse.
'To allay suspicion,' he says, 'you must first arouse it.'
Nicholas rang me earlier to say he was going to be late home.
Yeah, I just bumped into Raoul and Celia.
I said, 'Oh, that's nice.'
And thought, 'Have you?'
And I couldn't shake the suspicion.
So after an hour, I phoned Raoul.
Hello? Yeah, he's right here.
And he put Nicholas straight on the line.
Hello.
He's been telling the truth a lot recently.
Is he lulling me?
I might remind him that in Inchcombe Etherized,
Theo's wife runs him through with a carving knife.
What are you doing? Just messing.
I got three valentines.
One from Mom, one from that peanut Ryan,
and a mystery one from Ben.
I sent you that.
Is that theirs?
It's my mom's. They don't drink this shit.
Come upstairs and look at what l'm doing.
I've got into her e-mails. We have to get Ben to come back.
L'm sending him a valentine.
No, you're not. From her address.
Then he'II think it's from Tamara, you dipshit.
But I know it'II be from me.
Hot love.
Oh, God. Jody.
'Contacts.' Where are you, Ben?
There's that bloke my mom works for, Nicholas Hardiment.
Let's put him on. Who else?
Uncle Andy. Andy Cobb.
Come to Winnards Farm.
L'II give you the biggest shagging of your life.
Love, Tamara. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Don't ever, ever send that. I just did.
What the fuck is this?
'Come to Winnards Farm,
and l'II give you the biggest shagging of your life.'
'L'II give you the biggest shagging of your life.'
Are you listening to me?
Ben, will you stop drumming? I didn't write that e-mail.
Why don't you believe me?
When Fran started fucking Steve Culley,
at least she had the decency not to tell the whole world.
What's that supposed to mean?
She must want a foursome or something.
You fancy a foursome with Nicholas Hardiment?
Bugger that.
What was she thinking?
Well, maybe she's trying to make you jealous.
Or maybe she's trying to make the boyfriend jealous.
Or maybe she's just trying to give him a really big hint
that she's not getting enough.
Or maybe she's just a bit kinky. Or maybe she's crazy.
Or maybe she was off her face.
She was pissed.
I wasn't pissed or depraved or anything.
It's okay. It's okay.
Can you go look at the house? To make sure no one's been in.
No problem. Thanks.
Ben's really pissed off.
He's massively got the hump. Have I?
I've just asked Andy to have a look at Winnards.
I've got to go, l'm sorry.
Are you a fucking idiot? What?
Are you thick? Isn't it obvious who wrote that e-mail? That tosser Andy Cobb.
Andy wouldn't do that. Making himself cozy in your house,
going through your stuff. Probably got a pair of your pants on.
Bet it was him who nicked my black T-shirt.
Of course, he didn't. Oh, that's it, jumping to his defense.
He hasn't done anything. Boss. Boss.
What are you doing?
You know Fran's having a baby.
She wanted to see me. I wasn't going to, but now,
why not?
Come on, Boss, let's go for a crap.
Come on, mom, she's just stirring shit. Tamara's always done that.
Yes, but why? You know how subversive she is.
She once sent me a valentine from Prince Harry and I believed it.
It's her sense of humor. She likes causing trouble.
At school, she used to give us first-years tips on how to shoplift.
She taught you how to shoplift?
Mom, she's marrying Ben Sergeant.
Why would she look at an old git like Dad?
Hmm. I just don't get the joke.
And why is your father on the e-mail? And Andy?
It's so tasteless. Help me out with these, would you?
I have to work on my thesis on the Taliban.
Taliban, I know.
What do you make of that e-mail from Tamara?
Don't make any sense.
That London boyfriend's trying to fuck her up. That's my theory.
She could do so much better.
I couldn't agree more.
It's Ben. 'Who's the Daddy?'
'Steve Culley and Fran Redmond
recently announced they were expecting.
But in a valentine-tryst shocker, Fran is snapped with ex Ben Sergeant.
Ben and Fran, we say, 'Get a room.''
He's back with Fran? After you sent that e-mail, Jode.
No way. No way.
There's Plastic.
Oh, my God, what have I done? What have you done?
What if Ben's dumped her?
What if he never comes back?
L'II never see Ben again and it's all my fault.
What's all your fault? None of your business.
L'm bloody sick of you looking like a wet weekend.
Who's Ben? No one.
What have you done? Nothing.
You in trouble? No, leave me alone.
You take care with boys, Jody.
You know what can happen.
What can happen?
What can ever, ever happen in a place like this?
Hello. I thought you were in London with Ben from Swipe.
L'm looking for Andy. Well, he's not up at Stonefield.
So where's this shag you've been offering me?
Fuck off. Come on. I saw that e-mail.
Well, I didn't send it.
And I wouldn't shag you if you were the last man left after a nuclear winter.
L'II come round tomorrow then, about 3?
Drop dead, you smug prick.
Watch out.
Yeah, l'Il... l'II probably stay at the library another hour or two.
Yeah.
Yeah, just checking some law reports.
You're a marvel.
Okay.
Hello.
So,
Nicholas.
You can tell me to leave.
You can throw me right out.
Just say the word,
and l'II go.
Do you smoke after sex?
I don't know, I've never looked.
I used to watch you out of my window,
helping your daughter skateboard up the lane.
Bit of an obvious crush, wasn't it?
Is that why l'm here? To expurgate the crush?
I don't know.
Or as revenge on your ex?
I don't know, Nicholas.
Why are you here?
I should have thought that was obvious.
Since you climbed over that stile in the summer,
I haven't thought about very much else.
When can we do this again? What about Beth?
Beth and I have this kind of open... Bullshit.
Thursday? Isn't life complicated enough?
Don't put me in your column.
In your dreams.
Structure can be so sterile, can't it?
I always think of it as a 3-dimensional...
- Oh. - Oh, here he is.
Oh, poor you. Was it awful? I was starting to worry.
Bloody terrible. Didn't move till well past Chiswick, but look.
I popped into Fortnum's. My favorite teas.
Oh, my goodness, you feel like my buzzy toothbrush just after I've charged it up.
You should go to London more often. Well, maybe I will.
Oh. Sorry, everybody. Traffic was a pig. Do carry on. What have I missed?
Well, l'm trying this magic realist bit at the end of Chapter 3.
Oh. That sounds very innovative. Oh, you think so?
Yes. I think I've always been waiting for the, uh, magic realist crime novel.
Wuthering Heights, it's kind of Angel of the North.
So after two years of radio silence, I contact my editor,
and she loves... I mean, she loves the chapters I did in the fall.
Oh, Glen. Ha-ha.
I tried writing at the library
but I could feel that awful paralysis descending again.
I missed everything that I've been, you know, finding here.
Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful.
Well, l'm very glad you've come back.
Yeah, in a few solid weeks...
Holy cow!
- Idiots! - Ha-ha.
Morons!
Ha-ha.
Hey, writers, let's egg the self-regarding sacks of shit.
It's half term, they're just bored.
There's this theory that Hardy gave his wife syphilis, you know.
No evidence, but the symptoms fit. Poor woman,
she starts to get eccentric and then she moves her bed up to their attic.
The bastard.
Meanwhile, Hardy falls in love with a woman 39 years younger than him.
I don't believe it. Yeah, he was 65 and she was 26.
Geoff. Glen.
Henry James? Thomas Hardy.
That's it, a Hardy book. Coming well?
Yes, actually. He gave his wife syphilis.
Jolly good.
Oh, he... He's completely distracted.
He's up and down to London all the time.
This latest Inchcombe's taking everything he's got.
It's really preying on him.
Is it any good? Because I keep changing things
- and... - Shh.
It's brutally candid.
You lay yourself completely bare.
It's a bit over-written. It needs a good edit, but, uh,
it's very moving.
Thank you.
So,
have I done my duty?
Admirably.
Now do I get my treat?
You are so cheesy.
Zero Ben sightings in two whole months.
Last time I saw Plastic, she looked like a minger.
All red-eyed and gutted.
Ben's a love rat.
You gotta face it, she should move on.
She's probably topped herself.
I would, if Ben dumped me. Jode, don't say that.
What if she's done something?
Like got in the bath with her heated tongs?
Like taken a stack of pills. Think she might be lying there,
all choked in vomit and drug froth? That'd be dire.
If we find her, we'II get in the papers. Oh, my God.
Rock chick dead at Winnards Farm.
What's Uncle Andy doing here?
Ass biscuits.
No answer.
She could've been there days. She could be all putrid-like, rancid.
Oh, no, gonna chuck.
All bloated and all greeny. Uncle Andy will find her by the smell.
Ugh. Shh.
Andy.
- Oh, bollocks, she's alive. - Haven't seen you for a while.
Thought you might be ill or something, or depressed.
I've had my head down, writing.
Come for a drink.
Let's lighten up. L'd love to, but,
l'm kind of on one with my writing, and...
Can we do it soon, though?
I really would like to. Just not right now.
Sure.
What is he doing here?
Oh, he just came by on the off-chance.
Off-chance of what?
Something about the roofing for the shed.
Do you think he's in with a chance? No way.
Why not? He's fit. L'd do him. Jody, he's my uncle.
She'd be mad not to have him. Bet he goes like a train.
Let's go, my knickers are wet.
Wait, wait.
Oh, my God.
Nicholas, go.
'Prolific author of intelligent crime novels.'
Fucking D-list. How could she do that after Ben?
He's not even a proper celeb. Maybe she's numbing the pain.
Trying to tear love...
Oh, shut up, Case. She's just a slag.
She went out and pulled a married man.
Like that bitch that went off with my dad.
I know who I feel sorry for.
Then there'II be the divorce and acrimony,
and Beth's world will fall apart. Yeah.
But maybe one day, she'II put the bitterness behind her,
and find a new love.
Don't be daft. She's old, you sop.
See?
That's D-list's car.
This is where he hides his car when he goes to shag Plastic.
Yeah. Dirty git. Big old turd.
He's a rotten cheater. Like my dad.
Come on, Case. Let's fuck him up.
Shit salad.
Oh, poor you. What a drag.
Yes, it's a frightful bore.
L'll hold off on the paella then.
You're a marvel. See you soon.
Did you...?
Beth, can I use the printer?
Nicholas is stuck on the motorway with a flat tire,
but I couldn't hear traffic, just rooks.
Hmm.
Sorry, um, did you want me to read something?
No. Can I use the printer?
Nicholas, someone knows.
Maybe we should... Who cares?
Casey, pop them. Pop them.
Fucking bingo.
Hello, Casey, how are you? Hello.
All right. Waiting for the bus?
Bus got scrapped. Oh, so it did.
Well, hope it doesn't rain.
Gutted for her. Me too.
Fat arse though, hasn't she?
Send her the photo, Case. I can't.
Why not? What if it ruins her life?
We gotta do something. Plastic's an idiot.
She fucked it up with Ben. We fucked it up with Ben, Jode.
It's like...
We've gotta rescue her from D-list.
Casey. What?
She's back in touch with him. She's got an e-mail from Ben.
'Tamara, Fran's baby has come.'
Case, he says it's a little brown girl with curly black hair.
Oh, cute.
'I think we can safely say it's Steven Culley's, not mine.
Truth is, I feel free.
Gig in Paris for a few days.
If I bring him down, would you have Boss?'
Yes. Yes, he's coming back.
What are you doing? Dear, Ben,
I have found a reliable dog lover in the village.
Who? Please call Jody,
You can't send that. On 07700-900-929.
L'm getting him back down here! For who? You?
Why not me? Are you mental?
'Reliable dog lover'? You're making a great big mess...
l'm making something happen!
Otherwise, my whole life will go by,
and l'II be 34 and washed up like my mom.
And no one decent will ever even have snogged me.
If you do this, you're on your own.
Fuck off, then.
You twat.
There's the festival brochure. You're on in the Lanson marquee.
And, um, I've marked a few bits, in case you want to read.
You're a marvel. Cheers.
I could come with you.
Oh, don't. You hate festivals.
But it's only Hadditon. L'II come.
It'II be completely boring. You'II hate it.
Stay here.
Wow.
Wanker! Aah! Right.
Ha-ha-ha. Finished.
L'm doing this cake in celebration. Well done.
Well, to Hardy.
Yeah, even though I can't bear the man for what he did to his wife.
Oh, thanks, Andy. Just pop them over there.
How do I find out who sent this?
It says 'number withheld.'
Did you know?
I couldn't tell you.
L'm sorry, Beth.
Her.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this is just... This is just horrible.
Right under my nose.
Oh, it's so shitty. God, I feel sick.
So insulting. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
If you're kind to me, l'II cry.
And I don't want to cry, I must be very clear.
If there's anything that I can do...
I have to do it by myself.
Oh, come on. Come on, Beth. Come on.
I trod in the sponge mix.
Jody? This is Ben Sergeant.
Yeah, that's right. I love dogs.
Yeah, so l'II see you at Winnards Farm at 2:00.
Yeah. Perfect.
Andy.
Hey, how are you?
I wondered if you wanted to go for that drink?
I need a friend at the mo... You and Nicholas Hardiment.
That's a nice piece of work, isn't it?
I get it from his point of view. He's always been a cheating wanker.
Loves having his cake and eating it.
But since when did your standards drop so low?
You could have anyone.
All you have to do is bat your eyes. Andy.
I care a lot about Beth. She helped me out when I was at rock bottom.
L'm not going to split them up.
It's just... A bit of fun?
It's none of your bloody business.
Andy Cobb knows. Cock pie. Has he told Beth?
I don't know, but he might. And I wouldn't blame him.
I suppose it has to come out sometime.
Does it?
It's a good thing. Feels like a relief. It means we can think about
our plans for the future. What future?
I know it's been hard for you, sharing me with Beth.
But l'm yours now. L'm gonna leave her.
Mr. Hardiment. It's time.
I want a new life with you.
It's a nice dog, Mom.
Well, I don't like having dog hair and slobber all over the place.
But I said yes.
No dogs, no way, and that's final.
You loser, I hate you! You want to ruin my life!
Live the dream, Jody.
Well, it all runs very smoothly.
I start a book in the summer and publish it the following spring.
Bit of a factory, really.
So you've finished Like The Night, which is the 17th of the Inchcombe adventures.
And we all assume you're planning the next one already.
Well,
there isn't gonna be a next one.
- No. - What?
Frankly, l'm sick to death of Inchcombe.
In fact, l'm about to kill him off.
- No. - He can't do that.
Well, I think that's what we call in the trade,
a bit of a bombshell, for your fans here.
Yes, but l'm moving on to fresh pastures.
No.
Inchcombe is about to meet a very sticky end,
and it's one murder l'm really looking forward to.
Now, at this point, we should get some questions, I think.
And l'm... Yes, there's a lady over there.
You write a lot about adultery, is that from personal experience?
Madam,
what a saucy question. Uh...
But there's no need for an author's work to be autobiographical...
Why do you cheat persistently on your wife?
Who's that?
Because she lets me.
Tamara.
Where...? Nicholas, this has got to stop.
You're right. I can't go on using her. Lying to her.
It won't be fun but I've gotta do it.
I don't feel alive with Beth. I haven't been living for years.
She's smothered me like a blanket. Nicholas, listen to me.
It was fun, but it's wrong and it's over.
L'm in love with you. L'm sorry.
No.
No. No. No. You can't end it. Tamara...
Fuck supper! Will you keep it down?
My God, you're cold-hearted. No, l'm not.
You don't feel a thing, do you? I do. I do feel.
I feel like l'm blazing away inside all the time.
Why do I do these things? What am I doing with you?
There's someone else, isn't there? Oh, for God's sake.
Not the narcissist drummer? Goodbye.
It's that ignorant lunk, isn't it?
That muscle-bound wastrel Andy Cobb.
Andy Cobb is a far better man than you.
Go on.
Mr. Hardiment, will you sign this? Imagine getting him to sign.
I love your books.
Thank you.
Hello?
It's Jody Long about the dog.
Ben?
Hello?
Ben?
Well, you gonna answer that?
Jody, what are you doing not fucking answering?
Ben's dog is here. It's loose. It means Ben must be up at Winnards.
Boss!
Dog minder?
You've been breaking in, sending e-mails and fucking people off.
Did you nick my black T-shirt? I just wanted to meet you. Just once.
Just to tell you stuff. Stuff? What stuff?
Like, I love you.
I really, really love you.
That's really nice.
I used to lie awake thinking about you being here.
In Ewedown.
In the bum-hole of nowhere.
When you left, I couldn't bear it.
I just wanted to make you come back.
Do you still love me, Jody? Even though I wanna lock you up?
What would you do for me then?
Would you do anything, like a proper fan?
Let's see then, shall we?
I bet that bitch wants a baby. Well, she'II find out. Nicholas doesn't do children.
He'II leave it all up to her. Oh.
That'II age her. Beth.
Suppose he discovers fatherhood? They do, these men.
Second time around, they get all nappy-happy.
I was barely 20 when I got pregnant.
I've never done anything. God. Yes, you have. Look at this place.
I've let him walk all over me. Why? Why have I done that?
L... I've wasted my life.
No. What about the work you've done here?
Work? Yes.
What, breeding goats? Baking fucking biscuits?
It's meaningless!
Beth.
When I was lost with my book, you helped me more than you know.
You asked me who I was writing it for.
You.
Excuse me.
May I speak with my wife?
No, you may not.
Beth. Beth.
It's over.
I've finished it.
She's been chasing me.
I think there's something unhinged about her.
This wild crush.
Ben Sergeant's bloody dog again. Go on, get out.
Back to that tart at Winnards Farm. Go on. Bugger off!
Beth.
You know l'm sorry.
I want you to leave. I want a divorce.
No, you don't. Don't be ridiculous.
Now, look... And I want this place.
You can't.
Watch me. I will.
That's it, lovely. Keep it going, keep it going. Stop. Couple of sugars.
Stir it.
That is a very good cup of tea. Which is lucky for you, Jody.
Had it been shit,
l'd be on the phone to the extremely scary local cops right now.
Please don't tell my mom.
I know it's boring round here, but for fuck's sakes.
L'm gonna get out soon as I can.
L'm gonna work in Vegas as a croupier. Vegas or a cruise liner.
Aim high, Jody. That's what I say. Aim high.
Ben?
You've had an infestation. Of what?
Jody.
Hey, Greg!
I want a word with you. It's Glen, asshole.
You fucking devious bastard.
L'm devious? L'm a bastard?
You think I haven't noticed you've been worming your way in?
You keep your hands off my wife, you low-rent pedant.
You've abused Beth long enough with all of your goddamn lies.
I want you out of my house.
It's Beth's. She made this place. And I fucking paid for it.
I've given Beth all this. What can you give her?
I can give her integrity. Obscure literary shit,
not worth 10 pence.
You know, if I made my fortune fantasizing about rapes and murders,
I wouldn't be so proud.
You cretin. Fuck you.
Beth will come to her senses.
You need an income to run Stonefield, and mine's bigger than yours.
Get up, Nicholas, come on. Let's talk about this like grown men.
Oh, my God. Nicholas.
Nic...
Uh... Get up.
Nicholas, get up.
Run. Come on. Get up.
Nicholas. Nicholas.
It was you?
It was you who sent the e-mail?
Jody's explained that she did it out of a deep love for me.
Tammy. Ben.
I think you should have this back.
L'm sorry.
Jody! The dog!
Got him. The beast. Hm.
Nicholas.
God. Oh, God. Nicholas.
Bitch. Brazen.
Brazen. Beth.
That is brazen. Beth, don't look! Please, don't look!
Nicholas?!
No!
No, but you can see it. It's broken. It's smashed.
No, I haven't, but it's obvious.
Yes, his wife. Yes, she is.
Thank you. Thank you, I will.
They're on their way.
Beth, help is coming.
Aah!
It's broken.
Tamara.
Listen.
L'm sorry.
Come on.
Are you blaming yourself?
It was an accident.
L'd better get back up to Stonefield.
Come with me. We'II get this sorted.
Then get Ben to take you back to London.
I don't want to be with Ben.
Put it on the back seat right here.
What are you doing?
I figured it was best, you know, that I take off.
She doesn't want writers around the place now.
And police, autopsies, not my thing.
You can't run away. L'm not running away.
I've finished my book. My time here is up. Destiny calls.
Beth is asking for you. Really?
She's on her own over there.
Glen, she doesn't need a writer around the place,
she needs a man.
L'm so sorry.
It was my fault. I let the dog go.
No. No. I shooed him away.
The police said it was an accident, but if l'd caught him, tied him up...
No, it wasn't your fault.
What I don't understand is why was Nicholas in that field anyway?
He hated cows. And when he saw them coming,
why didn't he get out of their way...? Beth, I have to tell you that...
You live in the country.
You share it with those dangerous beasts,
and when they get scared, they run.
Like we do.
Oh, Glen.
Stay with me.
Kind of suits you. Don't say anything.
I always did like the old one.
You did it on purpose, didn't you? What?
Made this place so beautiful l'd never be able to leave.
Been dying to get rid of you.
This is my house.
I was born in that room. So you were.
Welcome home.
Pap-pap me.
What?
Pap-pap me.
[DOMINIC COOPER'S 'JAIL-BAIT JOD Y' PLAYING'